Life: Are You Winning?

People talk about what life is really all about.  Often, I hear words like happiness, security, peace of mind, relaxation, nirvana, or contentment.  This is all completely wrong, of course.  Life is about winning.

But how do you determine if you are winning at life?  It turns out that there are several different scales for measuring how well you're winning at life.  As in science, pick the metric that makes your data look best!

1. Current Value
This method is probably the easiest and most straightforward of measuring how well you are winning at life.  Simply look at what you have right now (money, property, significant other/spouse, children, etc.) and compare it to your opponent.  Do you have more?  You win!

Example: "Hi there!  I drive a Corvette, own properties in New York, San Francisco, and Florida, and travel between them on my private jet!  Have you met my wife?  You may recognize her from the cover of Sports Illustrated!"

While Current Value is the easiest method for measuring life winning-ness, and is indeed the default for most, there are other methods that may give you a higher winning-ness score.  And, as we all know, that's what matters.

2. Ascension (Chronological)
Unlike Current Value, Chronological Ascension looks at the difference between where you started, and where you are currently at.  While having a modest 1.5-story house and a used car may not be the same as a mansion and a Ferrari, it is still a huge improvement for a first-generation immigrant or someone born into poverty.  Chronological Ascension is good for eliminating error due to being born into wealth.

Example: "When I came to this country ten years ago, I had nothing but the clothes on my back.  Now, I own a small business and have a family, living in my very own house.  This is truly the American Dream."

3. Absolute Difference 
Are you a teenage heartthrob, now in your forties and struggling to get by?  Fear not, measure your winning-ness by Absolute Difference!  Simply take the highest point in your life, and subtract the lowest point in your life.

Interestingly enough, using this method of life evaluation allows for some creative accounting.  If your highest moment was some time ago in the past, and you are currently on a downswing, you can increase your winning-ness score via Absolute Difference by driving your current situation even lower.  If you are currently at your lowest score because you're homeless, picking up a heroin habit will keep that score plummeting, increasing your total winning-ness via Absolute Difference.

Example: "When I was in my teens, all the boys in high school wanted to get with me.  I was the prom queen, the most popular girl in school!  Now, I'm a chain-smoker, pregnant with my third kid, and living in a trailer park, but at least I had an awesome time in high school!"

Do none of these metrics work for your lifestyle?  Still dissatisfied with your winning-ness score?  Don't worry - there are many more methods still to come!  Stay tuned!