Ask Bobby Flay!

Ah, the good ol' culinary master, Bobby Flay.  Did you know that Bobby Flay used to answer questions, right here on the internet?  In fact, he sometimes still provides answers, as can be seen at this link: 

http://bobbyflay.com/news.php?id=15

Upon learning this, my family and I have brainstormed some questions that dearly need answering, questions to which only the great Bobby Flay could provide answers:

Dear Bobby Flay, I sliced a sea cucumber for my salad and it did not taste good at all!  What gives?

Dear Bobby Flay, I bought one of your pans, and hit myself in the groin by accident. Now my balls are sore. Can I get a refund?

Dear Bobby Flay, I bought a lobster and now it's looking sad. How do I cheer him up?

Dear Bobby Flay, I bought a squid, and it escaped and is now living under my couch. What is the best type of cat food to feed it?

Bobby, how do you stop from sweating?  How?

Doctor Bobby, I stubbed my toe yesterday and now it's funny colors. Should I ice it or use a heat pack?

Dear Bobby Flay, help with this issue: is it a lobster tree, or a lobster bush?

Dear Bobby Flay, Do you have a girlfriend?  If so, where is the nearest sinkhole?

Bobby, what are best types of noodles for crocheting?  Please answer, this is life or death.

(I will be very disappointed if his answer does not mention noodlepoint.)

Dear Bobby Flay, I went to a Chinese restaurant and no one was eating the guacamole, so I ate it all. Why do I hurt everywhere now?

Dear Bobby Flay, if the person to whom I gave food poisoning dies, am I still in trouble?

Dear Bobby Flay, my prison wine is lacking a certain panache. How do I kick up the flavor bouquet?

(Perhaps this question would be better directed towards Martha Stewart.)

Dear Bobby Flay, I found a piglet in the back yard, but it's very hairy and keeps meowing. How long until it turns into bacon?

Dear Bobby Flay, what herb combination does Giada's hair smell like?

Dear Bobby Flay, where are the top ten places to hide a potato?

If someone could forward these questions on to Mr. Flay, I would greatly appreciate the answers.  Thank you, internet community!